It’s been a while since I posted here. I keep meaning to, then finding I don’t know what to say or I forget what I wanted to say. Actually, I find myself struggling for words on a number of fronts. Meaningful words, anyway.
My recovery is still on-going, obviously. Right now, it’s not going well.
Somewhere along the way, I think I got it in my head that I would get better at a certain rate and would stay better. Clearly I was delusional when I thought that, because it’s been anything but.
This isn’t to say I don’t have good days. I do. Some of them I even almost feel whole again. For a brief moment, I feel like the last two years never happened and I’m my old self. I miss her.
But then there are other days, ones where I can hardly think straight, where I jump at everything. Days where I question so many things I know I should trust. Worse, ones where I feel like being whole and mentally healthy again is an out of reach dream.
I hate those days. Like serious hate. But I also feel powerless against them. My therapist has pointed out that grief figured deeply in the breakdown and that grieving isn’t a straightforward process, despite how we talk about the stages of grief. But I’m exhausted, and worn out by all of this. The days where I run into a setback make it worse. So does feeling like a failure, which I’m dealing with right now.
I’m managing the day job all right, but everything else is still a mess. I have a book outlined and I’m supposed to be doing Camp NaNo this month, but the words and focus aren’t there. I’m mostly playing games, wishing I could sleep through the night. I don’t even have the focus to read most days.
These things were getting better, but at the start of the month, they all fell apart on me. I may have tried to do too much at once. I’m not sure. I only know I’m bewildered by the rapid descent back into semi functional unhappiness. I don’t like living like this and I wonder if I can ever be okay again.
I wish I had something positive to put here. I mean, I’m still working on building a couple stories/worlds, one of them a lot (The Pick Up Artist). But I’m not feeling terribly hopeful right now about my being able to actually write it at any point in the future. It’s a shame, really, because I like what I have so far of Pick Up Artist, and those I’ve told about it are excited. The heart is willing but the brain says fuck you.
Thanks, brain, really helpful response.
I’m still trying though. Trying to cope. Trying to ride out the rougher days. Trying to make the most of the good days without running myself aground. Most of all, trying not to withdraw from everything again. It’s hard to be here on the blog a lot of the time, but you can catch me on Twitter most days.
I’m still here, guys. Not giving up. Just quiet right now as I try to sort myself out.