A bit of an update, and some things I want to share. To begin with, my state of being, beyond just my mind, continues to improve. Therapy is helping, group therapy even more than I ever expected. But I think the biggest reason is me. I’ve changed, and maybe in the best ways.
One of the things that I’ve been doing is talking. I withdrew a lot when things started to get bad. And then there was this gulf and I didn’t know how to bridge it or how to talk about it. How to even begin.
I lost my voice in a very real, if not so literal way.
Thanks to some very good friends, I’ve found it again. Therapy has helped with that, but I really owe it to friends who listened, who let me say what I could and not push for more. Who let me open up more as time went on and I felt up to it. Friends who reached into the darkness and have been my lifeline. Thank you. You know who you are and I’m sending you all my love.
I’m trying to take good lessons away from what’s gone on and one of them has been the importance of letting people in. Of talking about not just the good things, but also the bad ones, the imperfections and vulnerabilities in my life, with those who care about me.
I lose perspective so quickly on those bad things, both events and things others say to me. They become all consuming, larger than life and overwhelm me. Talking about it, especially with friends who are supportive and love me, helps me regain perspective, even if it’s just because they remind me that not everything that happens is my fault. Also that I’m not a horrible person. Yes, I have often thought that about myself, in the last year particularly.
Learning to talk about my recent experiences has helped in so many ways. The most important is that I feel like myself again at some moments. They’re brief, but real. In those moments, I am again the me that was able to do things and be happy no matter what, who was and felt capable of the things she wanted to do. Reconnecting with that self has been a blessing. I’d nearly given up on the idea that I could be that person again, so finding I am still her… Wonderful.
But I’ve also learned that I need to be careful and set boundaries. I took on too much, both personally and professionally and I crumbled under it after a while. I’ve got further thoughts on this, and an epiphany to share, but I want to keep that for it’s own post. It’s important enough for that, I think.
There’s more than one voice I need to regain, of course. My writing voice is the other. It’s proving a bit more elusive, but there are signs of its return. I’ve got a story drifting around in my head about a city in a valley, one that harbors secrets. I’m writing a short story for my friend Julie’s blog. Any of you writers out there who want to put a flash fiction out there, you should go here for details.
It’s nice to feel some inspiration again, and it’s nice to have a place to share the result. Talking about this on Twitter has yielded a fair bit of support and I have to say, it’s nice to know people want to read my stuff. Energizing, really.
So while I’m not all the way back yet, there are signs of it. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be myself again. Maybe I’m even closer to that than I realize. Some days I feel like it. Hope is a good thing, right? 🙂
Thanks, guys, for sticking by me through this. You’re awesome. All of you.