Finding My Voice Again

A bit of an update, and some things I want to share. To begin with, my state of being, beyond just my mind, continues to improve. Therapy is helping, group therapy even more than I ever expected. But I think the biggest reason is me. I’ve changed, and maybe in the best ways.

One of the things that I’ve been doing is talking. I withdrew a lot when things started to get bad. And then there was this gulf and I didn’t know how to bridge it or how to talk about it. How to even begin.

I lost my voice in a very real, if not so literal way.

Thanks to some very good friends, I’ve found it again. Therapy has helped with that, but I really owe it to friends who listened, who let me say what I could and not push for more. Who let me open up more as time went on and I felt up to it. Friends who reached into the darkness and have been my lifeline. Thank you. You know who you are and I’m sending you all my love.

I’m trying to take good lessons away from what’s gone on and one of them has been the importance of letting people in. Of talking about not just the good things, but also the bad ones, the imperfections and vulnerabilities in my life, with those who care about me.

I lose perspective so quickly on those bad things, both events and things others say to me. They become all consuming, larger than life and overwhelm me. Talking about it, especially with friends who are supportive and love me, helps me regain perspective, even if it’s just because they remind me that not everything that happens is my fault. Also that I’m not a horrible person. Yes, I have often thought that about myself, in the last year particularly.

Learning to talk about my recent experiences has helped in so many ways. The most important is that I feel like myself again at some moments. They’re brief, but real. In those moments, I am again the me that  was able to do things and be happy no matter what, who was and felt capable of the things she wanted to do. Reconnecting with that self has been a blessing. I’d nearly given up on the idea that I could be that person again, so finding I am still her… Wonderful.

But I’ve also learned that I need to be careful and set boundaries. I took on too much, both personally and professionally and I crumbled under it after a while. I’ve got further thoughts on this, and an epiphany to share, but I want to keep that for it’s own post. It’s important enough for that, I think.

There’s more than one voice I need to regain, of course. My writing voice is the other. It’s proving a bit more elusive, but there are signs of its return. I’ve got a story drifting around in my head about a city in a valley, one that harbors secrets. I’m writing a short story for my friend Julie’s blog. Any of you writers out there who want to put a flash fiction out there, you should go here for details.

It’s nice to feel some inspiration again, and it’s nice to have a place to share the result. Talking about this on Twitter has yielded a fair bit of support and I have to say, it’s nice to know people want to read my stuff. Energizing, really.

So while I’m not all the way back yet, there are signs of it. I’m going to be okay. I’m going to be myself again. Maybe I’m even closer to that than I realize. Some days I feel like it. Hope is a good thing, right? 🙂

Thanks, guys, for sticking by me through this. You’re awesome. All of you.

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About Julie

I'm a writer and photographer. I always have something with me to take notes for ideas or writing projects I'm thinking about or have on the go. I also like to go around with my camera and take pictures of anything that strikes me as beautiful or evocative. I'm perpetually working on one story or another, while waiting for enough distance to judge the last one (or more). I'm always working on several projects at once, developing the next book, even as I'm editing the last. Beyond that, there's always plenty of scraps and twists of ideas rolling around in my head, eventually turning themselves into full blown stories.
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6 Responses to Finding My Voice Again

  1. quix689 says:

    I’m so glad you’re starting to feel more like yourself! I do have to say, though, that every time I see a new blog post from you, I feel guilty. You’re going through this horrible time, and you’re still managing to update your blog. I haven’t posted anything in about two months. I think I’ll let this post push me into writing something.

    Also, that flash fiction thing sounds kind of cool, so thank you for sharing. I’m glad writing hasn’t completely left you. You always seemed to find so much joy in writing. I hope that feeling returns completely soon!

    *hugs*

    • Julie says:

      Oh no, don’t feel guilty. In some ways, this is me trying to process the things that have happened. Also, to not disappear entirely from myself (at least at the beginning). And as I’ve learned more, I wanted to share my insights with people, to offer them that feeling that they’re not alone that others have offered me. Write when you’re ready. If I’d tried to do so too early, it would have been bad. Listen to your inner feelings.
      How are things with you? I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I hope you’re getting the help you need. *hugs* And I’m always here to talk to if you need or want to. Really, I mean that. ❤

      • quix689 says:

        Well part of why I feel guilty for not blogging is because I actually don’t feel that bad. I mean, I still think the world is falling apart, and I can’t decide if it’s better to do what I can to make it suck less or i should just say “fuck it” and not care because it doesn’t matter anyway, but other than that I’m fine. It’s a new semester, and my kids are much better, so I no longer hate my life like I did before. I still hate being far from home, though. And I sometimes cry over things that aren’t really that emotional. So I’m not quite where I want to be yet, but at least it’s not quite as bad as it was. 🙂 Thank you for the offer – and for listening to my babbling just now. ❤

        • Julie says:

          Honestly, do what you can to make it suck less. Not caring is harder than you might think and can backfire. You’ve gone through a lot of major changes lately. I know it’s hard to be away from family and friends, but you’ll adjust to the new place. And I strongly encourage you to seek help if you haven’t done so already. The sort of crying you mention worries me. Please. You’ll thank yourself later for taking that step. And as always, my inbox is always open to you. *hugs* ❤

  2. This post lightens me heart. ^_^ I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and I’m so glad things are getting better for you. ❤ Keep going strong! You will get there — I have the greatest confidence in you. 🙂 Love you! *HUGS*

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