Please bear with me through this post. I need to get some of this out of my head, but I’m struggling with how to talk about it, so this might be a bit of a disjointed mess.
I’ve recently decided to remove certain people from my life, and it makes me sad to have done so. I had to though, because I can no longer afford to have people in my life who prove to me over and over that they don’t really care about me, or those who damage my sense of self-worth (which often is precarious to begin with). That doesn’t mean I don’t miss them. I do, because I still care about them. My mind and heart just can’t take anymore.
The most basic truth right now is that I am heartbroken. Truly and completely heartbroken. No, I don’t want to talk about why. Or at least I’m not ready to do so here, and I doubt I ever will be.
I’m working on getting better and my state of mind slowly coming around. Therapy and meds are helping, but the last week has been rough. Some days, the past year and a half come back to haunt me, to taunt me with every mistake I made or all the times I believed people who clearly weren’t what they presented themselves as. I feel stupid and foolish and naive for believing them. No amount of telling myself faith in others is always a good thing eases that feeling.
I think the worst part of it is that I’m now wary of letting new people into my life and I’m taking a long hard look at some of those who are there right now. I don’t like feeling this way. I liked who I was and I’m not sure how I feel about who I’m becoming as a result of what happened. But I’m not giving up on other people. I won’t. Maybe in time this will ease. I hope so.
It’s going to be a while before I feel like I can write again. I toy with ideas now, but don’t actually feel capable of writing any story right now, no matter the subject or length. Even the few blog posts I’ve written have been difficult (which might be why there are so few lately).
I’m trying to be around on Twitter, and I’m answering messages and mentions now. But even that is sometimes difficult. I feel cut off, unable to bridge this chasm to reach anyone entirely. But I love you guys. And I’m trying, really I am.
I’ll get there one day. I keep telling myself this.