In The Silence, There Are Glimmers

This is going to be another difficult post. Part of me doesn’t want to write this, and part knows that I need to, for me.

Things have not been good for me. Maybe some of you guessed that, based on the silence here and pretty much everywhere else. I’ve been scarce for a lot of reasons, but they all come down to this: Things were so bad I couldn’t be anywhere I didn’t have to be.

My new therapist says I have an attitude of “never let them see you sweat,” (he’s right) and I guess that’s one of the reasons for my retreat from all things involving communication. The other is that I just couldn’t cope with anything. But that still comes back to maintaining the facade that I was managing when I haven’t been. The effort of trying to keep going the necessary things in my life, like work, got harder with every day. And of course, I look back now and realize that I wasn’t keeping up the game face as well as I thought I was.

What happened? I broke down. Lost it completely. Worse, I did so in the one place that I swore I would never do that, where no one would suffer for my personal problems. I broke down at work.

Crying.

Couldn’t stop.

Curled against the wall.

Huddled.

Exposed.

I haven’t been sleeping well this year. It’s gotten worse as 2014 has progressed, and by the time I broke down, it was as bad as it’s ever been before, maybe worse. That always makes coping harder, and I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I was also exhausted from a long fight with two lung infections back to back. I was done, not that I was willing to admit that to myself.

Worse, I felt so alone, even though I know in my head I’m not. People here and on other social media have made it clear I’m not, that they’re there if I need them. But I felt alone in my heart. Some of it was from being so sick in a city where I only know people at work. I hadn’t felt alone here, physically alone like that, until now. My family and all my friends are physically far away and something about being so ill made me realize it more. Or maybe it just bothered me more? I’m still sorting through that.

In any case, everything piled on and I was at the end of my ability to hold it together. I lost that little bit I was holding on to somehow.

I was lucky enough that a work friend was there, that she realized how bad it was and offered to take me to get help. She said it’s an indication to her of what rough shape I was in that I didn’t argue with her about that. She’s right.

So I checked myself into the hospital. Psych Emerg.

It was scary, and in some ways embarrassing. But it was the right place for me to be that day.

It’s not a place I’d want to visit casually, but it was the only thing to do that day.

It wasn’t a long stay, but the effects of taking that action are reverberating through my life in a way that is leaving me with a little hope. I haven’t had much of that for the last few months. Maybe longer. I sometimes shy away from admitting the truth to myself, especially when it’s about how bad things are.

I may be gone a little while longer. I don’t know. But understand that I am getting help. A team’s worth of help. I have the grace of being employed by a very caring company and having a compassionate manager and coworkers. Each one of these things I am deeply grateful for right now.

I’m trying to find my feet again. That’s going to take some work, and I don’t know how long that’ll take. It’s going to require some changes in my life, and I’m not sure yet what all of them will be. The biggest, and frankly the hardest, is starting to take care of myself and my needs. Man, that was hard to even write. I need to assert in my own head that I am worthy of self-care.

For those wondering, writing is on hold right now and for the foreseeable future. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m not sure when I’ll get back to it. At the moment, I’m not even sure if I will.

I miss you guys, and I hope I’ll be back. But I don’t know. I’m mostly trying to deal with today. Every day, I deal with today. Plans will have to wait for a more whole me, one who can be present for them. Who may one day even be able to enjoy whatever the future might hold.