In The Silence, There Are Glimmers

This is going to be another difficult post. Part of me doesn’t want to write this, and part knows that I need to, for me.

Things have not been good for me. Maybe some of you guessed that, based on the silence here and pretty much everywhere else. I’ve been scarce for a lot of reasons, but they all come down to this: Things were so bad I couldn’t be anywhere I didn’t have to be.

My new therapist says I have an attitude of “never let them see you sweat,” (he’s right) and I guess that’s one of the reasons for my retreat from all things involving communication. The other is that I just couldn’t cope with anything. But that still comes back to maintaining the facade that I was managing when I haven’t been. The effort of trying to keep going the necessary things in my life, like work, got harder with every day. And of course, I look back now and realize that I wasn’t keeping up the game face as well as I thought I was.

What happened? I broke down. Lost it completely. Worse, I did so in the one place that I swore I would never do that, where no one would suffer for my personal problems. I broke down at work.

Crying.

Couldn’t stop.

Curled against the wall.

Huddled.

Exposed.

I haven’t been sleeping well this year. It’s gotten worse as 2014 has progressed, and by the time I broke down, it was as bad as it’s ever been before, maybe worse. That always makes coping harder, and I was exhausted. Mentally. Physically. I was also exhausted from a long fight with two lung infections back to back. I was done, not that I was willing to admit that to myself.

Worse, I felt so alone, even though I know in my head I’m not. People here and on other social media have made it clear I’m not, that they’re there if I need them. But I felt alone in my heart. Some of it was from being so sick in a city where I only know people at work. I hadn’t felt alone here, physically alone like that, until now. My family and all my friends are physically far away and something about being so ill made me realize it more. Or maybe it just bothered me more? I’m still sorting through that.

In any case, everything piled on and I was at the end of my ability to hold it together. I lost that little bit I was holding on to somehow.

I was lucky enough that a work friend was there, that she realized how bad it was and offered to take me to get help. She said it’s an indication to her of what rough shape I was in that I didn’t argue with her about that. She’s right.

So I checked myself into the hospital. Psych Emerg.

It was scary, and in some ways embarrassing. But it was the right place for me to be that day.

It’s not a place I’d want to visit casually, but it was the only thing to do that day.

It wasn’t a long stay, but the effects of taking that action are reverberating through my life in a way that is leaving me with a little hope. I haven’t had much of that for the last few months. Maybe longer. I sometimes shy away from admitting the truth to myself, especially when it’s about how bad things are.

I may be gone a little while longer. I don’t know. But understand that I am getting help. A team’s worth of help. I have the grace of being employed by a very caring company and having a compassionate manager and coworkers. Each one of these things I am deeply grateful for right now.

I’m trying to find my feet again. That’s going to take some work, and I don’t know how long that’ll take. It’s going to require some changes in my life, and I’m not sure yet what all of them will be. The biggest, and frankly the hardest, is starting to take care of myself and my needs. Man, that was hard to even write. I need to assert in my own head that I am worthy of self-care.

For those wondering, writing is on hold right now and for the foreseeable future. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m not sure when I’ll get back to it. At the moment, I’m not even sure if I will.

I miss you guys, and I hope I’ll be back. But I don’t know. I’m mostly trying to deal with today. Every day, I deal with today. Plans will have to wait for a more whole me, one who can be present for them. Who may one day even be able to enjoy whatever the future might hold.

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About Julie

I'm a writer and photographer. I always have something with me to take notes for ideas or writing projects I'm thinking about or have on the go. I also like to go around with my camera and take pictures of anything that strikes me as beautiful or evocative. I'm perpetually working on one story or another, while waiting for enough distance to judge the last one (or more). I'm always working on several projects at once, developing the next book, even as I'm editing the last. Beyond that, there's always plenty of scraps and twists of ideas rolling around in my head, eventually turning themselves into full blown stories.
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9 Responses to In The Silence, There Are Glimmers

  1. Em says:

    Been thinking about you a lot. Many hugs…I’m with you in spirit and always am!

  2. I’m so sorry Julie! *HUGS* Thinking of you and praying for you, and I hope things will get better. ❤ Take care of yourself, okay?
    Love you,
    -Deborah

  3. brennalayne says:

    You are not alone. I’ve been in that dark, scary place, too. It gets better. And you are mightier and braver than you think to be able to write about it. Best wishes.

  4. ❤ I love you, pretty lady.

  5. Kristen Jett says:

    Sending you love. ❤

  6. quix689 says:

    I hate that you’re having such a horrible time, but I’m glad you’re getting help. You are absolutely deserving of self-care and lots of love. ❤

  7. I’m sorry things are so rough. This time of year can make an already shaky emotional state much worse. Indulge yourself in healthy fun for a while. You will slowly heal. Hugs.

  8. Arlene says:

    So sorry for the difficult time you’re going through. One day at a time is all you can do. Take care of yourself!!!!

  9. Pete Denton says:

    Brave post, well done. I hope you get to a happier place sooner rather than later. Take care.

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