Another personal post. I will get back to talking about writing again at some point, really.
I’d like to start by thanking everyone who read, commented on, liked and even shared my last post. It was hard to write, harder to post and I fully expected to be told I didn’t have any real problems, or at least to stop whining about my life. Instead, you were all amazingly supportive and encouraging. It meant and means the world to me. Thank you so much. I want to reach out and hug you all.
Today, I’m doing better. Yes, there are still moments that are rough and some days are better or worse, but today is a better one. Knowing I’m not as alone as I feel has helped a lot, and I firmly believe that finally talking about it is a big part of doing better too. In hindsight, keeping it inside and hiding how I was really feeling was incredibly isolating. It was possibly one of the worst things I did to myself, especially since, once I started doing that, I didn’t feel like I could own up to the truth and be believed or receive any understanding from others about the state I was in.
I’ve done some thinking since my last post, but mostly I’ve been trying to live for each day, to find something to smile about in each one. And I’m talking about a real smile, not the mask I used to put on to convince everyone I was fine. To my surprise, it worked. More than that, I recently decided that I was going to have a good day that day, no matter what. While things happened that day that challenged my determination and were rather stressful, I managed to have that good day anyway. And these things have had a broader impact. I’m generally more at peace and less bothered by things, even when they’re actually stressful.
It’s like I’m getting my zen back. I used to have this nice personal zen, one that begat an attitude that whatever came, I’d just deal with it and move forward. That I could deal with it and come out okay, no matter what. I can feel faint stirrings of it again. It’s comforting to feel that.
Small steps that feel really big to me.
There are still things I need to do, and it’s probably a long road back, but I’m making steps forward and feeling a little more myself. Some moments, I feel a lot more myself, which is very encouraging.
I just need to get back on track with writing now, especially since I have a deadline (that I agreed to) coming up, but I’ll get there. I’m even making notes on what to do with Vintage. Like I said, small steps forward, but I’m making them.
There’s hope on the horizon for me. Maybe it’s even with me now and I’m too busy with the present to notice. In any case, it’s nice to feel this. Thank you all for being there and encouraging me. I love you so much, each and every one of you. I’m blessed to have you in my life. *hugs*